May Jesus, Santa, Tribal Chief Zoontu Mobootu Kinshasa, Hanukkah Harry, or Allah bring you everything you’ve asked for this year… whether that happens to be peace on Earth, a new toy train, a shiny new hunting spear, a sack of gold, or 49 virgins!

For those of you unfamiliar with the story of Christmas, I’d like to take a moment to retell it from memory. Mind you, it’s been quite a while… but I’m pretty sure I’ve still got the basic premise down.

You see, back in the ancient times, there was this chick named Mary. Her husband, Joe, was a carpenter who had been out of work for a while because of union problems. One day, Mary and Joe received a letter from the IRS that said they had to report back to their hometown so they could be audited. They gathered all their belongings; Mary bundled up all her issues of Cosmo, and Joe packed up his reciprocating saw and rotary belt sander. Together they headed back to Bethlehem, which I believe is somewhere in Pennsylvania. At first they had planned on taking a Greyhound bus, but with Joe being laid off and Mary’s addiction to buying shoes, they were unable to afford bus fare. Instead, they rented a Geo Metro using their last remaining credit card. Every night they would pull over and sleep in shopping mall parking lots because they didn’t have the cash for a hotel room. One such night, Mary had a crazy dream that she had been visited by an Italian guy who drove a red IROC Camaro. In the dream, they talked about different pasta recipes and what the best type of gel to use on an Italian’s naturally greasy hair is. As she slept, Vinnie (the mysterious Italian dude) explained to Mary that he was an angel and that God had decided she was pretty cool and that she’d make a good mom for the kid he was planning on creating.

The next morning, Joe woke Mary up with his screams. “What have you done?!” he yelled. Overnight, Mary had somehow put on 40 lbs and now craved pickles and chocolate ice cream. She recited what Vinnie the Italian angel had told her in her dream. “Wow, all I dreamed about was a giant boat made out of twinkies,” he told her. Eventually he came to accept that his wife had been chosen by God as a vessel to carry his son. The more he thought about it, the more he liked the thought that he was about to become the stepfather of the son of God. Free cable TV, the best parking spots, and bragging rights to all his bowling buddies — he could hardly wait!

Despite Mary’s condition, the couple decided to continue on their journey to Bethlehem PA so they wouldn’t upset the IRS.

Meanwhile, in Detroit, three wise gangstas were chilling out in front of a burning barrel, singing Michael Jackson tunes and sharing a bottle of Mad Dog. Without warning, Vinnie the angel appeared and told them they had to travel to Pennsylvania to go check out God’s new kid, and that they were to pay tribute to him. Reggie, Tyrone, and Carlton asked why they should listen to a greasy haired Italian like Vinnie, but he convinced them all to go by explaining that it was in their best interests (cue Godfather soundtrack). Before getting on the expressway in their lowrider Cadillac, the three wise gangstas headed over to the mall and picked out some dope-fly gifts for God’s son. Since none of them had been outside of Detroit before, Vinnie told them that God would set up a large star over their destination to guide them on their way. Remember, we’re talking about the ancient times here, so GPS or OnStar hadn’t been invented yet.

At about 11pm on Wednesday, December 25th in the year 0000, Mary and Joe’s trusty Geo Metro rental pulled into Bethlehem. They were exhausted and wanted to find a nice place to sleep, so they decided to use the last of their savings to try to get a hotel room for the night, preferably one with HBO. Unfortunately, all the hotels in the area were filled due to the IRS sending out tax letters to everyone else from Bethlehem (I guess they were processing one city at a time or something). Mary and Joe drove to six different hotels and tried to get a room, but each and every hotel they stopped at turned the couple down. “That’s really lame… can’t you see my wife is knocked up?” Joe asked the manager of the Red Roof Inn before getting the door slammed in his face for the eighth time. “What a tool,” he mumbled to himself as he headed back the Metro where a very pregnant Mary waited. The two were about to give up and find a cozy mall parking spot when Mary noticed a bright star shining over the Courtyard by Marriott down the street. “Joe, let’s try there,” she told her husband. With a sigh, he put the Metro into gear and began to head down the street. Once they got there they found it was the same story as all the other hotels. “I’m sorry, but we’re completely full,” said Ebenezer Scrooge, the manager of the Courtyard. “If there was something I could do, I would, but… hey, wait a minute… I have an idea!” he exclaimed. He led the couple around the back of the building to a large storage shed filled with stuffed animals. As it turned out, Ebenezer was an amateur taxidermist. Despite all the creepy stuffed animals that decorated the walls of the shed, Mary and Joe thanked Ebenezer and unrolled their sleeping bags on the floor. “Good night, you two… sleep well…” said Scrooge as he let out a menacing chuckle. “Uh, g-good night Mr. Scrooge,” replied an apprehensive Joe.

No sooner had Joe laid his head down on his Coleman sleeping bag than he heard a loud popping sound. “Whoa,” said Mary. “I think I just had the kid!” Joe checked, and sure enough, there was a little baby saviour sitting on the floor of the shed, playing with legos. The two stared admiringly at their handsome and shining son and then tried to decide what to name him. “How about Flamingo Jones?” asked Mary. “Nah… what about Mastodon Grimlock Gutenberg?” said Joe. The couple couldn’t make up their mind what to name their new baby boy. They both agreed to sleep on it and discuss names in the morning. As Mary and Joe once again began to prepare for sleep, Vinnie the Italian angel burst through the door and let out a loud, greasy, Fonzie-like “Ayyyyy!” He told the two new parents that God had decided to name the baby Jesus, after his favorite character on Saved by the Bell.

After Vinnie had finally stopped talking and left the couple alone with their newborn, Joe used his Jedi-like carpentry skills to whip up a manger for little baby Jesus out of sticks and cardboard that he had found outside the shed. He gave Mary a kiss on the cheek and laid his head down on his Coleman sleeping bag, but once again his rest was disturbed. He heard a low thumping which grew louder and louder. “Is that Biggie?” he asked his wife. “No, I’m pretty sure that’s Tupac,” she answered. The thumping bass grew louder and louder, and as Joe peered through the dirty window of the shed, the three wise gangstas from Detroit pulled up outside in their lowrider caddy. “I can’t believe this. Maybe if I lock the door they’ll go away.” Joe flipped the deadbolt on the door, took a step back, and turned off his kerosene lantern, leaving the couple and their child in almost complete darkness. The shed was located next to Mr. Scrooge’s room, and they could hear the sound of an aerobic workout video echoing through the thin wall. After a minute or two, the voices of the three men from the lowrider could be heard coming from just outside the shed’s front door. Joe could hear them arguing about something, but neither he nor Mary could make out what exactly it was.

The arguing continued for several minutes. Little baby Jesus let out a gentle sigh in his manger, while Joe let out a loud fart in his sleeping bag. As he quietly apologized to his wife, he could hear a slight clicking sound coming from the lock on the door. The arguing had stopped. Slowly, he reached into his hiking backpack and withdrew the hunting knife that his UncleMarvin had given him for his 13th birthday. He carefully whispered to his wife “I think they’re picking the lock.” Sure enough, the three wise gangstas managed to jimmy the deadbolt. They threw open the door and stumbled in. “Dis where da new baby son of God be?” the largest of the three, Tyrone, muttered. “Who wants to know?” was Joe’s tense reply. The three wise G’s proceeded to explain that the Italian angel Vinnie had told them to come to this place to offer gifts to the son of God.

Relieved, Joe placed the hunting knife back into his hiking backpack and turned his kerosene lantern back on. “Sup,” the three men said as they gathered around Jesus’ makeshift manger. One by one, each man laid down a gift at the feet of little baby Jesus. Reggie gave Jesus a bottle of Coolwater cologne. Tyrone’s gift was a nickel plated 9mm Beretta that he had purchased the day before from his friend Jigsaw. Carlton offered a much more personal gift to baby Jesus; he looked at his two companions and with a shaky voice said “Do it.” Reggie and Tyrone both nodded, and Reggie grabbed Carlton by the throat and put him in a strangle hold. Tyrone then produced a brick and swung it at Carlton’s face, effortlessly knocking out five or six golden teeth. Reggie then let go of Carlton and he collapsed to the ground like a sack of potatoes. After a moment or two, Carlton regained consciousness and collected all the golden teeth from the floor. He took them into the bathroom and rinsed them off thoroughly (apparently the shed was equipped with a full bathroom and a sauna — sorry I forgot to mention that earlier). Finally, the bright shiny pieces of gold were laid to rest at the base of Jesus’ manger, next to the other gifts.

Mary and Joe both thanked the three gentlemen for coming over and eventually got them out the door. As the lowrider pulled away, the thumping bass grew more distant until finally it was no more. Mary and her husband gave each other a long hug followed by an Eskimo kiss, said goodnight to their son Jesus, and then fell sound asleep.

And that, my friends, is the true (more or less) story of how Christmas came to be. Be sure to stop back when for the story of how Easter was invented…

Merry Christmas!