Earlier today I decided to have a little fun with the folks at Sprint. They have a webchat window on the main page of their website that just begs to be used for nefarious purposes…

The role of “Agent” is played by an unfortunate Sprint employee, probably a fat trucker in a clown suit somewhere in India. The role of “You” is played by none other than myself.

You: Hello Jessica, you were just helping me pick out a new phone but we seem to have been disconnected.
Agent: Ok, sorry .
Agent: Let’s move this chat to the bottom of the window. It will be out of the way and I can stay with you in case you have any questions or any concerns. Just click on the “Yes” button below and we can continue.
You: Okay, that would be wonderful.
Agent: Thank you!
Agent: Just to check, are you a current Sprint customer?
You: No, I am not. I just moved from Europe last month.
Agent: Great!
Agent: How many lines are you looking for?
You: I am pleased to say that I took the citizenship exam and passed everything except the pledge of allegiance.
Agent: Wow! Congratulations!
You: They make those tests very difficult. I was going to consult my brother Bruno when it came time to recite the pledge but he is back home in Lichtenstein and I did not have a phone to call him.
You: That is why I would like your help choosing a new phone.
Agent: OK.
You: Can we do this together Jessica?
Agent: What features are you looking for?
Agent: Sure.
You: There are several features I am in need of. Would you like me to list them?
Agent: Please.
You: First, it is important that I get text messaging.
You: My sister Frieda is pregnant back home in Lichtenstein and the doctors have her in bed.
You: She is too weak to talk on the telephone, so instead she wishes to text message me.
Agent: OK, we can find a good text messaging phone.
You: Excellent!
You: I am excited at our progress so far!
Agent: We have the Samsung Rant and right now it is free.
Agent: The Samsung Rant packages ease of use and great all-in-one features with a smooth slide out full QWERTY keyboard, a 2MP camera, an integrated calendar and scheduler, and a full media player.
You: That sounds interesting. Who makes this Samsung Rant?
Agent: The full slide out QWERTY keyboard allows you to send emails, picture messages and texts faster. With a web browser, IM, Sprint TV, Sprint Navigation and picture mail support, the Rant keeps you connected. Additionally, the built-in “Google” menu allows you to quickly access Google Search, Maps, Gmail, and YouTube instantly.
Agent: Samsung.
You: Ahh, I see.
You: Are they a reputable company?
Agent: Yes, they are.
Agent: Before we continue, I want to make sure you have everything you need to complete your order, and that I am able to assist you step by step.
Agent: You must be at least 18 years of age and have a valid social security number.
Agent: You will also need a valid credit card (Visa, MasterCard, Discover, American Express, Diners Club) or a debit card with a Visa or MasterCard logo.
You: Jessica, I feel that we can do business together. I am 33 years old and I am a man, so I can enter into a legal contract with you and your associates.
You: I also have a Diners Club card, so that is covered as well (we love Diners Club back home in Lichtenstein).
Agent: Do you have a valid social security number?
You: Yes, the nice people at the citizenship office were kind enough to provide me with social security numbers.
Agent: Great!
Agent: SO what do you think of the Samsung Rant?
You: Back in Lichtenstein these numbers are tattooed on all newborn babies but they explained that I cannot reuse my Lichtenstein number.
Agent: Really? WOW!
You: I was disappointed because the number on my arm has been very lucky for me.
You: Yes indeed Jessica!
You: That is how I ended up in America!
Agent: Great!
You: I played the Lichtenstein public lottery using the numbers on my arm and won a small fortune.
You: My life is very pleasant now but I’d like to be able to communicate with my family back home.
Agent: Would you like to get started with your order?
You: I have a question about Samsung before we continue.
Agent: Sure?
You: You told me that they are a reputable company, and I trust you because you are from Sprint and Sprint is a very reputable company.
Agent: Yes, that is correct they are a reputable company.
You: However, I’m concerned about purchasing from Samsung because they are based in Korea.
You: As you probably are well aware, political relations between Lichtenstein and Korea are very strained at present.
Agent: OK, One moment please.
You: I’m worried that purchasing a Samsung Rant may be viewed as unpatriotic.
Agent: Ok, do you want an LG phone?
You: Oh, that’s much better.
Agent: OK, we have the LG Rumor 2.
You: Is that a telephone?
Agent: Yes.
Agent: The Rumor2 is a great phone with a full QWERTY slide-out keyboard that is not available in Sprint stores. It has great features like a 1.3 mega pixel camera, micro SD slot, MP3 player, and GPS navigation via Sprint Navigator.
Agent: The Rumor2 also features Bluetooth, a wireless Web browser, e-mail, and instant messaging (with AOL, Windows Live, and Yahoo).
Agent: You can slide out the hidden QWERTY keyboard and turn the phone horizontally to easily send e-mails and texts.
Agent: The Rumor 2 gives you up to 5.5 hours of talk time.
Agent: The Rumor 2 includes ‘Threaded Text’ messaging and ‘One Click’ access which the Rumor does not.
You: That sounds like a very nice telephone.
You: I see that it has a QWERTY keyboard but I am unfamiliar with that term. Does that mean it only has those six letters?
Agent: No that means that the keyboard has the same format as most computer keyboards.
You: Very nice!
You: Do I have to pay anything extra for the additional letters?
Agent: NO.
You: If so, it’s no problem because I still have much of my lottery winnings left.
You: I’m very thrifty.
Agent: Would you like to proceed with the order?
You: That’s great news Jessica! As your George Washington said, “A penny saved is worth two in the bush.”
You: I learned that on my citizenship exam.
You: Will you give me one moment to consult with my wife?
Agent: Sure,
You: I need her approval before I can say yes.
Agent: Ok.
You: I will be right back. Will you promise to wait for me?
Agent: Yes.
You: Okay Jessica, I’m back!
Agent: Great!
You: We have a small problem though.
Agent: What is that ?
You: My wife is very angry with me because she says that LG is also a Korean company.
You: She is afraid that we will bring down the wrath of the Secret Police if we purchase the LG Rumor2
Agent: Ok, I went ahead and looked up Sanyo just incase.
You: Do you have any telephones made by Sprint?
Agent: Sanyo is made in Japan.
You: Yes!
You: Sanyo is a very honorable company!
Agent: Great!
You: My uncle has one of their phones and he is very pleased with it.
You: Japanese products are very reliable.
You: Can you tell me more about your Japanese Sanyo phones?
Agent: Yes, they are. We have several Katana phones.
Agent: Are you on the phones page?
You: I’m on the Wikipedia page for LG right now.
You: I will go back to the phones page if you’d like.
Agent: I sent you the Sprint phones page.
You: I see it!
You: Can you see my computer?
You: Do you like my background?
Agent: When you get it you can click on the Manufacturer and view the phones in order of Brand.
Agent: No, sorry I can’t see it.
You: My background is from our family picnic last year in Lichtenstein.
Agent: I can only send you pages and sometimes see the Spritn page number you are on.
You: Sadly, dear Grandpa Rudolpho passed away shortly after our picnic.
You: I’m still very emotional about it.
Agent: I am so sorry to hear that.
You: Thank you Jessica. I appreciate your sympathy.
You: You are a very good customer service employee.
You: I hope that some day you win the lottery as I feel you are very deserving of it.
Agent: Thank you. My grandmother also pass recently.
Agent: Well I hope so too.
You: My sincere condolences.
You: Did you get one last picnic with her before she passed on?
Agent: No.
You: That is very sad.
Agent: Did you see the Katana phones I spoke of ?
You: My Grandpa Rudolpho loved the zoo.
You: We took him every Sunday.
You: His favorite exhibit was the pandas. He would sit and watch them for hours.
Agent: That must have been great.
You: It was. He used to feed them popcorn and sit and smoke his pipe.
You: I’m sorry, I need a moment to regain my composure.
Agent: Sure.
You: My wife is bringing my hankerchief.
Agent: I am sorry.
You: Oh no, she brought me the one that Grandpa Rudolpho gave me last Christmas.
You: Now I am twice as sad.
You: It has a little panda sewn in the corner.
You: He would want me to carry on though, so please, tell me about your Katana.
You: Jessica? Are you still there?
Agent: I am here sorry.
You: I hope my tears have not offended you.
Agent: No, you haven’t.
You: Thank you Jessica.
You: Now, does the Katana have a QWERTY keyboard?
Agent: No, it does not.
Agent: The only other phones that have it are the PALM, HTC and BLackberry phones.
You: Hmmm. I liked the idea of having a full computer keyboard for my phone.
You: Are those other phones very big?
You: I’m sure they must be if they have a computer keyboard attached.
Agent: Kind of big.
You: As big as a laptop?
You: I purchased a laptop with my lottery winnings and I love it.
Agent: NO, they are all handheld devices.
You: I take it with me on the boat from time to time.
You: The waves help soothe my soul.
Agent: That is Awesome!
You: Oh wow, they must be very tiny keys!
Agent: Do you see them?
You: Wait — do those other phones have all 26 letters of the alphabet?
Agent: Yes.
You: Excellent! I think we’re making good progress.
You: As with the Samsung, I am not forced to purchase the additional keys separately am I?
Agent: That is correct
You: Oh very good indeed.
You: My mood has gone from sad to happy very quickly.
Agent: Great!
You: It’s all because of you Jessica.
You: I feel that I can trust you!
Agent: I am glad that I can help you.
Agent: Which phone are you interested in?
You: Well, I have heard of a Palm Pre.
You: Oh, wait!
You: I have found one on your list that looks very attractive!
You: If I get this one, I will be the envy of all my friends at the golf club!
Agent: Which phone is that?
You: It says “598U by Sierra Wireless”
You: It’s very shiny.
Agent: That is not a phone.
You: I can just picture the looks on my golfing buddies’ faces when I whip that out on the course!
Agent: That is a mobile broadband card.
You: But… it’s in the list you sent me. Did I make a mistake?
Agent: It is use to connect your laptop to internet.
You: Oh, I already have one of those.
Agent: It is considered a phone line, but can not be used as a phone.
You: It says “Links-key” on it.
You: That little guy lights up all the time. I love it.
You: Unfortunately my golfing buddies were not very impressed by it when I showed them.
Agent: Do you see any other phone you would like?
You: My neighbor was telling me about a telephone called a “Palm Pre”. I’d like one of those please.
Agent: Thank you for your interest in the Palm Pre. It will be available to Sprint customers in the first half of 2009. We will be disclosing product pricing closer to the Palm Pre?s availability.
Agent: Please visit www.sprint.com/palmpre, to learn more. Click ?tell me when it?s out? to sign up and receive an email notification the day the Palm Pre is available for purchase.?
You: Does that mean I cannot purchase one from you Jessica?
Agent: You can once it is out.
Agent: You will be notified and they you can come back online and order it with me.
You: I don’t know how long I can wait; my pregnant sister is very impatient.
You: I think I will pick out a different phone for now and then purchase a Palm Pre from you with my lottery winnings when it comes out.
You: Is that okay?
Agent: Yes.
You: I’m having a hard time deciding. Which of the phones on your list is the best?
Agent: I would say the HTC Touch Pro.
Agent: I have this phone, it is great!
You: Is that your professional opinion or personal Jessica?
Agent: The Palm Treo755P Smartphone delivers everything you need in one go-anywhere Palm OS device. It combines a smarter phone with wireless email, a built-in web browser, and rich media capabilities–all at blazing, broadband-like speeds.
Agent: The new HTC Touch Pro brings together a full suite of personal and business use features, used with the ease of a full touch screen interface.
Agent: With the improved TouchFlo interface, Windows Mobile 6.1 operating system, and a full QWERTY keyboard that slides out to the side of the phone, typing out long emails or quick text messages never have been easier.
Agent: The Touch Pro has a 3.2 megapixel camera, a MicroSD card slot (expandable up to 8GB), Sprint Music Store, Sprint TV, Sprint Navigation, and instant messaging. It also has wi-fi access to make browsing the internet a breeze.
Agent: Please disregard the first information sent about the Treo 755.
You: Oh, thank you. I was very confused for a moment there.
You: You type very fast! I guess you must get confused sometimes too, huh?
Agent: How does the HTC Touch Pro sound?
Agent: Yes, I do.
You: It’s okay to make mistakes! We’re all human Jessica. Well, not my cousin Antwon.
You: He’s only partially human but we’re not allowed to talk about that.
You: I like the Touch Pro but I have a question about it.
Agent: Sometimes I save my phone information and send it when needed. Sometimes I send the wrong paragraph.
Agent: Sure?
You: You mentioned that it can be used for both personal and business reasons.
You: Now, I have my own business.
You: I sell aquarium fish in my back yard.
You: I started the business shortly after I received my lottery winnings back in Lichtenstein.
Agent: OK, that is great!
You: It was very expensive to have it all shipped across the ocean via FedEx, but I did it because I had the money.
You: Anyway, on to my question — can I use the Touch Pro for business AND personal at the same time?
You: Or would I have to purchase two telephones?
Agent: Absolutely, no just one phone.
You: That’s great news!
You: Also, can it get websites on the internets?
Agent: Yes, it can.
You: Excellent!
You: Okay, I just sent my wife out of the room because I have a very personal question to ask you.
You: Can it get… adult websites on the internets?
Agent: You can get any wesites.
You: I think we can definitely do business on an HTC Touch.
You: I could take it with me to church and access certain websites when I get bored.
Agent: Yes, you can.
Agent: When you have decided on your phone, please click on the ‘Buy with a New Plan’ button next to that phone and then click on ‘Select’ to place it into your shopping cart.
You: Does the HTC Touch Pro have a mute button though?
You: That will be very important during church.
Agent: Yes, it does.
You: Do you ever access websites during church?
You: You know, to look up hymn lyrics and stuff.
Agent: No, Sr. I Pay attention to the word.
You: Oh, I do too.
Agent: Great! Would you like to get started with your order?
You: It’s just that sometimes my mind wanders. I take medication for it.
Agent: I see.
You: That’s one of the reasons I wanted to come to your great country! I want your doctors to cure me!
You: You have excellent churches here too!
Agent: I must advise you that my chat will soon expire. We must continue with the order process.
You: Okay Jessica, I understand and I appreciate all the help and personal advice you’ve given me so far.
Agent: Great!
You: What do I need to do now to purchase my brand new Sprint telephone?
Agent: Well we can go page by page.
Agent: When you have decided on your phone, please click on the ‘Buy with a New Plan’ button next to that phone and then click on ‘Select’ to place it into your shopping cart.
You: Okay, I’m looking for the HTC Touch Pro that you’ve helped me pick out.
Agent: Great!
You: I found it!!!
You: I’m so excited!!!
Agent: please click on the ‘Buy with a New Plan’ button next to that phone and then click on ‘Select’ to place it into your shopping cart.
You: What’s the difference between the Touch Pro and the Touch Diamond?
You: Does one of them have more keys?
Agent: The Slide out keyboard.
Agent: The Diamond doesn’t have one.
You: Oh, I don’t want that one then.
You: I definitely need QWERTY!
Agent: Great! Have you clicked buy with a new plan?
You: It’s much easier to type when you have a keyboard.
You: I’m trying to find that button.
Agent: Go ahead and hit select.
You: Please be patient with me Jessica.
Agent: OK.
You: We’ve come so far together, don’t give up on me now!
Agent: I am not, just letting you know what you must select.
You: I did it! I clicked on the button you told me to!!!
You: I’m so excited!
You: I feel like I’m going to faint!
Agent: Excellent, are you at the Services page now?
You: It says “Sprint” up at the top. Is that the right one?
Agent: Do you see the plans page or services page?
You: It also says “Simply Everything”.
You: Does that sound right?
Agent: Perfect, did you hit select on the plan that you want?
You: Uh oh, I think I messed up.
You: You said the HTC Diamond is the one that doesn’t have a keyboard, right?
Agent: Right.
You: Oh no, I feel horrible. I messed up.
You: I selected the Diamond. Where’s my panda hanky? I feel like I’m going to cry again.
Agent: Okay just hit the back arrow and go back and select your new phone.
You: I hope this won’t negatively affect our friendship Jessica.
You: Can you forgive me?
Agent: Are you going to set up your services?
You: I don’t think I can. I’m feeling very sad and weak and I might faint.
You: All this pressure is getting to me.
You: I feel like I’ve let you down.
Agent: Well when you are ready please come back and order online, phones are cheaper than in our stores, you won?t pay the activation fee and is free shipping.
You: On top of all that, my dog Mr. Gingercoat just ran away with my panda hankerchief.
Agent: Is there anything else I can help you with today?
You: No Jessica, you’ve been wonderful.
You: You will always have a special place in my heart.
Agent: My name is Jessica. Thank you for visiting Sprint.com today. We appreciate your interest and look forward to meeting your wireless needs in the future.
You: What do I do now Jessica?